CHAPTER 28
Farah had been unable to get an immediate flight home, for it was the tourist season and seats on all planes were sold out. She took the shuttle to Paris, anyway, and hung around the airport until there was a cancellation. She considered and discarded theidea of calling Simone, for she was not in the mood for seeing anyone, and would have been hard put to explain to Simone's satisfaction why she had not got in touch with her sooner.
Darkness had fallen by the time she left Orly, and the night rode with her all the way home. She sat sleepless by the window, looking out at the blackness, her mood somber, her outlook bleak. There would be no one to meet her when the plane landed. Her departure had scarcely been noticed, her return would likewise go unremarked. There was no one there to care whether she came or went.
Suspended in space, staring into infinity, she was forced to examine her life. She grieved for Kevin, but it was the memory of Noel that tore at her heart. How could things have gone so wrong between them? But of course it was all wrong from the start. Noel had been bound by family ties. And she? She was in transit, in a cacoon from which she would emerge into another dimension.
If Noel had been free to marry her she felt sure that within the stability of marriage she could have found the strength and the need to weather the changes occuring within her. She understood now that she had never really stopped loving him. She had transferred to Kevin because she found in him a younger Noel who could give her his complete love and loyalty.
And now Kevin was out there somewhere in that black nothingness where he would remain forever, forever free of human frailties and emotions. It was Noel whom she had wronged the most, Noel who would live out his life not knowing the reason for her alteration; Noel to whom she could never explain.
"Forgive me, Noel," she whispered. She found herself whispering it often lately. She had imaginary conversations with him in which she confessed who she really was and what had changed her, and asked his forgiveness. They could never again be together, but she felt sure if she could tell him all this it would ease his pain. And hers. Of course that was impossible. They were both prisoners of her secret, from which there was no liberation.
But out of that black night one verity emerged: Never again would she try to take the easy way out. There had to be some reason, some fundamental plan, for what had happened to her from the time she met Jason, or perhaps even before. She was being prepared for something. She might be made to suffer the tortures of the damned before the reason was revealed to her, but she had embarked on a path and she would follow that path wherever it led.
On arrival at Los Angeles Airport, Farah rented a car and drove to her apartment. Her own car was in the garage there. She would turn in the rented one the next morning. She was glad to be home and tired after her sleepless night. Sleep was the answer, and as she got in bed she thought it might be a good idea not to go back to the house; there were too many memories there. Of course she would have to go get her things and arrange for Ned to stay on as caretaker. Perhaps she should sell.
Sleep overtook her before she could examine the idea further.
Keeping busy was the only way to stay sane, Farah thought, so she threw herself into a spate of activity. She arranged her classes at the University to allow time for attendance at the dance school three times a week. She practiced the piano an hour each day. She studied and read, she attended movies, concerts and plays, sometimes with friends, sometimes alone. She worked in Grant Allen's office whenever she had time.
One day Grant said to her, "Someone has been making discreet inquiries about your background, your financial situation, the works. Have any idea who it could be?"
"Yes," Farah said, thinking that Alexandra must be really worried about Michael's intentions. "The Dowager Princess of Zhad got the idea I was after her son Michael or that he was after me, or both. I thought I had put her fears to rest, but I guess not. I can't think of anyone else who'd be checking up on me."
Grant whistled. "I knew it had to be someone high up. I wouldn't even have heard about it except that my cousin who's in a position to hear all such matters thought I should know."
"Thanks for telling me. It makes me feel creepy to know someone is prying into my private affairs. If you hear anything else, let me know, will you?"
"Of course, Your Highness." Grant said this with a grin. Farah made a face at him.
Her energy was so inexhaustible that she was never tired, but all this activity did have a beneficial effect, for it caused her to fall asleep immediately each night ao that she had little time for brooding.
Sometimes her dreams were troubled, and she would wake moaning or weeping. Then she would get up and dress and go for a drive, riding fast through the night in an effort to outdistance her thoughts. She would begin again her endless monologue with Noel.
One day in November she took flowers to the cemetery to lay on Kevin's grave. She was on her knees, weeping, when she heard someone approaching. Looking up, she saw Noel.
"Hello, Farah." His manner was stiff. "How have you been?"
Apprehension filled her. Was he still bitter toward her? But she said lightly, "Hello, Noel. I've wanted so much to talk to you, to tell you how sorry ...."
"Yes, I'm sorry, too. I said some terrible things that awful night." He looked thin and drawn.
"I tried to send Kevin away, Noel. He kept coming back. He was so much like you, so I finally let him stay." Her voice faltered. "I think I got the two of you confused in my mind."
"I've had a lot of time to think, too, Farah, and I blame myself. I finally realized how unfair I was to you. I never took you out, I put my work first, I put Judy first."
"Kevin came to see me because of Judy. He said she was manipulating you. He was on your side, Noel. He came to tell me that."
"Oh, God, Farah, and I killed him."
"No, no, you mustn't think that. It was an accident pure and simple."
"I was out of my mind with rage and jealousy, so I lashed out at you. Kevin must have died hating me." A sob broke deep inside him and he sank to his knees in an agony of weeping.
"He didn't die hating you, Noel. He loved you." She ached to go to him and comfort him. "We didn't want to hurt you. It was all my fault, I shouldn't have let it happen. I betrayed you. But not physically. I never went to bed with him. I've wanted you to know that. Do you know why I fell in love with him?"
Noel stopped weeping. He took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his eyes. "You don't need to explain anything to me, Farah. I figured it out a long time ago. He was a younger me, and not all screwed up like I was."
"You figured that all out?" Farah looked at him in astonishment.
"It wasn't hard to figure."
She'd wondered how to make him understand what had happened without revealing her past and the transformation she had undergone, and he had understood it without a word of explanation. Gratitude flooded her.
"Noel, will you just say to me, 'I forgive you, Farah?" I've asked God to forgive me, but I need to hear YOU say it."
"I forgive you Farah." He took her hand and laid it against his cheek. "Do you forgive me?"
"I forgive you, Noel."
An almost visible peace settled over them. They would grieve for each other and for Kevin, but the healing process had begun, for in Forgiving each other they had forgiven themselves.