CHAPTER 25
Hack had been watching Farah with concern. Poor little Princess, he thought, the brass ring turned out to be made of glass and it shattered. She looks like she would shatter, too, if I touched her. Poole said it right, trouble seems to follow her around.
She sat huddled on the sofa, knotting herself around her grief. It twisted Hack's heart to see her like this. If only she could cry, or talk about it, he thought.
He sat down beside her and said gently, "Farah?" She came to him with a little whimper. He gathered her up and held her while she gasped and trembled, but still she didn't weep.
"Princess." His voice was sharp with concern. "I think I'd better get you to a doctor."
"I killed him, Hack," she moaned.
"That's ridiculous. It was an accident. How can you think you killed him?"
"Because it wass all my fault. Oh, Hack, I've got to tell you something. I can't handle this alone." She pulled away and went over to the fireplace and leaned her head against the mantel.
"Shall I tell you how I met Kevin? He came to see me because I was having an affair with his father." At Hack's involuntary gasp, she said, "Yes, with Noel. Those weren't Kevin's things you put in your car trunk. They were Noel's."
"My God, Farah." Hack's face had gone livid with shock.
"I met Noel at a party at Monica's last March before you went to Zhad. He was separated from his wife but not divorced. He had promised his daughter to wait until she was eighteen. He told me he would get her to release him from that promise. We'd be married as soon as he got a divorce." Her face twisted into a mocking smile. "Straight out of True Confessions," she said.
"God help me, Farah, I never should have left you alone here."
"It would have happened anyway. We were crazy about each other. But his daughter wouldn't release him and he couldn't bring himself to break his word."
"Are you sure he was being honest with you?" Hack had liked Noel. Now he thought, I'd like to kill the bastard.
"He's a good man, Hack. He was torn between two loyalties, and Judy had the upper hand. She's been sickly all her life and he was concerned for her health."
"He's too old for you."
"I didn't think so. But he had obligations. He had a whole life apart from me, a past bound up with his family and his work. There wasn't much of him left over for me. And he was having to make a choice between Judy and me."
"It sounds to me like he wanted to have his cake and eat it." Hack knew he was reacting out of jealousy. I was the damn fool who thought I was too old for her, he thought.
"No, Hack, he isn't like that. He couldn't bring himself to hurt Judy. We finally had a terrible quarrel about it."
"And you gave him his walking papers?"
"No. He was so angry. To prove his intentions he tried to call Judy to tell her he was going ahead with the divorce with or without her approval. But she had just been taken to the hospital for an emergency operation."
"So everything was okay between you again."
"Not exactly. Before we had a chance to talk I went East for Uncle John's funeral, and right after I came home, Noel left for a three-week business conference. He just got back this afternoon."
"How did Kevin get into the picture?"
"He didn't like the way Judy manipulated Noel. When he found out about me, he came to see me. He had pictured me as middle-aged. We took one look at each other and fell in love." She looked at him with a bitter smile. "I'm coming off sounding like a complete fool."
"You don't have to tell me any of this, Farah," Hack told her.
She didn't seem to have heard. "What swept me off my feet, of course, was that Kevin was a younger Noel. It was like meeting Noel when he was young. And single. Kevin was free to love me, to marry me. Of course I fell in love with him. But we kept everything perfectly proper, Hack. We didn't go to bed together."
Hack groaned. Didn't she know what all of this was doing to him? Then his heart melted with love for her again, as he knew it always would. "Noel was away all this time?" he asked.
"Yes. We were going to tell him when he got back." She looked so frail and exhausted that Hack was concerned for her. "I feel so guilty," she said. "I knew we were doing a terrible thing to Noel. But we loved each other so much."
I could have made her love Me, Hack thought. She was alone and needed someone older. So she turned to Noel, who's old enough to be her father. Where were my wits that I didn't tell her how I felt?
"You don't have to tell me this, Farah," he said again.
She shook her head. "Let me finish. There's more. What Noel didn't tell the officer was that he called Kevin's apartment last night to tell him the good news. The young men who shared Kevin's apartment gave him a number to call. MY number." They looked at each other appalled, imagining Noel's reaction to this.
"Good God," Hack said. "He must have caught the first flight home to find out what was going on."
Farah nodded. "He must have been crazy with shock. To be betrayed by the girl he planned to marry, and his own son. He was in a state when he got here. He started shouting. At me. He ... he called me a tramp. That's when Kevin started toward him. That's when he fell and hurt himself and died." Her voice rose. "Because of me. I killed him. I'm wicked and evil and I bring bad luck. Everyone I love dies or gets killed." She was weeping now, great torrents of tears, long shuddering sobs that tore at her body.
Hack put his arms around her trembling body. "You know in your heart that's not true. No one has died because of you, so stop blaming yourself."
She broke away from him and ran screaming through the house. He caught up with her and shook her roughly. Then he slapped her hard across the face. She collapsed in his arms, sobbing uncontrollaby.
"Go ahead and cry, Princess," he crooned, holding her. "Get it all out of your system." He kept murmuring words of comfort, weeping with her and for her, until the storm had passed and she was once again in control.
In the morning when Farah woke she smelled coffee brewing and wondered who could be in the house. Slipping into a robe, she followed the aroma to the kitchen. Hack looked around from the refrigerator where he was setting out eggs and juice.
"Hi, Princess," he said. "Did I wake you?"
"How did you get in>" But the answer came to her before he could speak. "You stayed all night!" Tears spilled from her eyes at the thought of such concern.
He put on a droll face. "I didn't feel up to that long trip home through snow and ice." He studied her face. "Feeling better this morning?" When she nodded, he said, "Breakfast will be ready in about ten minutes."
"I'll be right back."
As she bathed and dressed her heart was heavy with grief for Kevin. She didn't know if she would ever be free of her guilt and her grief. But she knew she would have to find some way to live with it, to be done with the weeping and the wailing. She wondered if she would find the strength to bear it.
There had been no thought of dinner the night before, and Hack was hungry. Farah drank her juice and picked at the food. They ate in silence, busy with their separate thoughts.
Over coffee, Farah said, "I guess I went a little crazy last night, didn't I? I shouldn't have dumped my guilt on you."
"I'm glad I was there, you needed to talk about it."
She put her cup down. "I've been having such morbid thoughts."
"Of course you have. We're all conditioned to blame ourselves for the bad things that happen."
"Sometimes rightly so." She stirred her coffee absently. "There's no way I can bring Kevin back or undo what I did to Noel. I have to live with that. Maybe some day I can think of it without pain."
"Don't go on blaming yourself, Farah," Hack said around the lump in his throat. "Blame the lousy luck that left you alone in the world while you were still wet behind the ears. You did the natural thing. You found an older man who represented stability, only it turned out Noel didn't have much stability to offer. He's probably feeling as guilty as you are, but it wasn't his fault either." With his napkin he wiped the tears from her eyes. "One of these days all this heartache will be a thing of the past."
"You make me feel like I've been absolved of sin."
"Good. That was my best two dollar lecture, results guaranteed. Now let's not have any more self-recriminations."
"I appreciate your support." She touched his hand. "I don't know what I'd do without you."
Looking embarrassed, he rose. "I've got to go now. I'm a working man. Will you be okay?"
"I'll be fine. I've got phone calls to make and things to do. I'll have to notify Aunt Margaret."
"Better call Monica, too, since she knows the family." He kissed her cheek. "If you need anything you know where to find me."
She stood looking after him as he left, wondering why she hadn't had the good fortune to fall in love with someone steady and reliable like him.
Margaret flew in on Wednesday, accompanied by Rick. Sondra and Jo sent regrets. Jo was to be maid of honor at her best friend's wedding on Saturday.
The sun beat down mercilessly as they drove from the airport. The green of Farah's lawn provided a welcome contrast to the parched hills around them. A smartly dressed woman who had been ringing the doorbell turned when she heard the crunch of their tires and came to meet them.
"You must be Farah," she said. "I'm Kevin's mother."
Seeing the stricken look on Farah's face, Margaret said warmly, "How thoughtful of you to come, Mrs. McKay. I'm Farah's aunt, Margaret Alderson. This is my grandson, Rick."
Farah said stiffly, trying not to panic, "I wish I could tell you how sorry ...." She became unglued. How could she face this woman who was Noel's wife, Kevin's mother? She covered her face with her hands. Barbara put her arms around her and they wept together in wordless sorrow.
Farah was the first to recover. Pulling away, she said in a shaky voice, "Won't you come in?" The others had gone inside.
"I can't stay." Barbara pulled out a handkerchief and wiped her eyes. "I've a million things to do."
"It was so good of you to come."
Barbara took Farah's hand. "I had to see you. Kevin told me Sunday when he dropped by that he'd found the girl of his dreams. I was so happy for him." Under the crown of fair hair her face was haggard. "I wish we had met sooner, Farah, before ...." She couldn't continue.
"I keep waiting for someone to tell me it's all a bad dream," Farah said. "I feel so responsible."
"Oh, my dear, you mustn't. It was an accident."
"How is Kevin's father taking it?" Farah had to know.
"Badly, I'm afraid. To have it turn out like this when he was bringing Kevin such good news." Tears welled up again in Barbara's eyes. "The services will be held Friday. Would you like to sit with us as part of the family?"
Farah froze. How could she sit with Noel as part of his family? She managed to thank Barbara and say she would sit with her relatives and friends. "If I can bear to come at all," she said.
"Perhaps you'd like to see Kevin at the funeral home. He'll be there tomorrow."
"Do you think it could be arranged for me to see him privately?"
"I'll see to it," Barbara promised, and on that note she left.
Farah stood looking down at Kevin, cold and remote against the satin pillow of the casket. There was nothing of Kevin there. His spirit had taken wing. She wished she could be with him there, wherever he was. In the sweetness of his youth she had found her own youth again, but for what purpose? Better she had remained Donna, growing old without joy, than to be young and bringing tragedy to all who loved her.
She should never have let Kevin return after the first day. Better yet, she should have run from Noel that night at Monica's and never have seen him again. Why had she tried to hang on to her old life that had never brought her happiness?
Her tears fell on Kevin's cold face and she kissed then away, murmuring, "Goodbye, my love, and forgive me." Then she turned abruptly and left the room.