CHAPTER 14
Does he recognize me? Farah wondered when she saw Noel, her heart fluttering. But of course he didn't recognize her; she wasn't Donna Harris any more, she was a complete stranger calling herself Farah Fuller.
"He sees us," the woman beside Farah said to her companion. "Wave to him."
Noel waved back. Then he was greeted by Monica, and turned away. He wasn't looking at me at all, Farah thought. What a fool I am. All this emotion for someone who can never again know me as Donna. At that thought the finality of her alienation from her former identity and her isolation in her new identity struck her full force, and she hated what she had become, all the pretence, the constant struggle to be someone else. Better I had died, she thought.
With no word to Jan or the others, she went in search of a powder room where she could pull herself together. Slowly her composure returned, and with it a feeling of recklessness. I'll consider this meeting arranged by Fate, she said to her image in the mirror. At least I can talk to him.
As she left the powder room she saw Sally steering Noel to the refreshment table. Acting on impulse, she followed and poured herself a cup of coffee. Several other late-comers had just filled their plates and were straggling out. As soon as they were gone, Farah wandered over to stand near Noel.
Without looking at him, she said, "What a spread. I'm glad I don't have to watch my diet."
"Monica really outdid herself this time, didn't she?" His casual glance turned to a smile as he saw who she was.
Smiling back at him, she said, "I'm Farah Fuller."
"What a lovely name for a lovely girl. I'm Noel McKay."
"Yes, I know."
He raised an eyebrow in surprise. "Have we met before?"
"No. I asked." She was still smiling. How thin and drawn he looks, she thought. He's not happy.
At her words some of the tension seemed to slip from him, and he looked at her with intense interest. "Really? You asked? I'm flattered."
"You're a very attractive man." She had thrown caution to the winds, but this was Noel and she still wanted him.
"Who are you, Farah Fuller?" he asked as they stood smiling into each others' eyes. "You could be a model or a movie star, but I don't think so. You look too fresh and unspoiled for that."
"Now who's flattering whom?" She had forgotten how blue his eyes were. "I'm a student. Monica was a good friend of my adopted father, and is being kind to me."
"You said 'was'. Is he ...?"
"Yes, he was killed in an explosion."
"Of course. Dr. Jason Fuller."
"You knew him?"
"Only by reputation. I never met him." He reached spontaneously for her hand as if to comfort her. The touch galvanized them both. A great man," he said, taking his hand away as if the contact burned him. "You have my deepest sympathy."
"Thank you." The compassion in his face and voice lessened the knot of loneliness Farah had been feeling since Jason's death, and her eyes filled with tears.
Seeing her emotion, he put down his plate. "I'm not really hungry. I see dancing an the lanai. Would you care to dance with an old man?"
"No, but I'd love to dance with you."
"You're flattering me again." She could see the excitement rising in him. "Don't say such things to me, Farah, or to any man, unless you mean them."
Her only response was to smile up at him. The air crackled between them, and without a word he took her arm and led her to the lanai. The music was soft and dreamy, designed for lovers, she thought as she moved into the sweet haven of his arms. Noel steered her to a dim corner and they danced without words, slowly and langourously, moving their feet in an endless circle around the same small area.
Farah's heart pounded and she wasn't sure where this was leading, but before she could explore her feelings, Sally came looking for Noel.
"Monica wants you to meet someone," she told him.
"Don't move while I'm gone," Noel said, and followed Sally.
Farah thought as she looked after him, I really got carried away. She realized with astonishment that more than her appearance had been changed. Donna would never have been so bold and aggressive. Too aggressive, perhaps? He was still married. She couldn't risk being considered free and easy, even in an age of changing moral standards, especially by Noel.
I have to get away from him so I can think, she told herself. Looking around for an exit, she slipped unnoticed from the house and drove home.
She spent a sleepless night. Seeing Noel again had churned up feelings better forgotten. She had meant only to talk to him, but his response had been so immediate she had been swept beyond caution. And why had he been so reckless? It was out of character for him. Unless, of course, his marriage had been or was about to be terminated.
But she couldn't afford to take a chance. His interest might prove to be only a passing fancy. Like that other time. And now the floodgates of memory burst through the dam she had built around them, and she relived those painful days when she was Donna Harris working in the architectural office of Noel McKay as his secretary.
She had changed jobs after her father died. She sold the house, bought new clothes, changed her hair style, and started going out more. She was thirty-nine and still young enough for a new beginning, she thought.
She had liked Noel at once. She found him attractive and fun to work with. He was intelligent, had a quick wit, and treated her as an equal. When she found herself becoming too interested in him, she told herself she had been caught at a vulnerable time in her life and it would pass. She hoped so, because he was married, and even though she heard hints around the office that he wasn't exactly happy at home, she considered marriage a sacred institution and had no intention of letting the situation get out of hand.
It surprised her when he began to show signs of being interested in her. Little things. She'd catch him staring at her, and when this happened, he appeared embarrassed. A few times when their hands brushed as they worked together she was sure it was not by chance. And there was a difference in his voice when he spoke to her.
She steeled herself to show no signs of noticing, but it made her self-conscious around him. The air between them became so charged that she found it hard to concentrate on her work.
Then one day as they were at the drafting table discussing some changes in the blueprints, she accidentally stumbled over some books on the floor. He caught her to keep her from falling, and didn't let go. His arms tightened about her and he kissed her.
She welcomed his kiss as parched soil welcomes rain after a long drought. Her response must have frightened him as much as it frightened her. He let her go so suddenly she almost fell.
"I'm sorry," he blurted, his face flushed and stiff. "Please forgive me." He strode to his desk, snatched up some paperss, and saying, "I'm due at a meeting," rushed from the room.
Donna knew she couldn't go on working for him any longer. The kiss had betrayed how deeply she loved him, and he had rejected her.
At quitting time Noel had not returned to his office, so she went home. She lay awake a long time wondering how she could face him inn the morning, but she needn't have worried. He strode in, his manner brisk, saying "Good morning" as he passed her desk. He worked awhile in his office, then came out, briefcase in hand, and stopped before her.
"I want to apologize for what happened yesterday," he said, his voice light. "I don't know what came over me, to grab you like that. It won't happen again, I promise."
She made her voice as light as his, and even managed a smile. "I didn't exactly fight you off. I couldn't understand it, either, until I checked as almanac. There's a full moon, so I wrote it off as moon maddness."
"I'm glad you understand, for I'd hate to lose you. You're the best secretary I ever had." He said he would be out all day, gave her a number where he could be reached, and left.
She was furious that he had looked so relieved, and even more furious at the flattery. When her anger abated, she fell into a deep depression. She had hoped for a new beginning, but by falling in love with a man beyond her reach she had exchanged one form of bondage for another.
She went on working with Noel as if nothing had happened between them. She kidded and laughed and did her work as usual. But her mind was busy. She had to find a way to leave gracefully, as if what had occurred had no bearing on her leaving.
Her solution was to tell Noel, with a false air of excitement, that a long time friend who knew that since her father was gone she was eager to move to a new environment, had offered her a job in New York City, which she had decided to take. In her anger she thought Noel seemed relieved to be rid of her, even though he expressed regret.
She hardly knew how she got through the two weeks' notice she gave. She told her coworkers about her new job with an air of happiness that must have been convincing, all the while making plans to erase all traces of herself so that it would appear that she had indeed moved to New York. Then she would commit suicide. She hadn't counted on her plan being foiled by Jason's intervention.
The morning after Farah's encounter with Noel she drove out to her house in the canyon. It was Saturday and the day was free. She needed to get away by herself, to be close to the only roots she now had.
She threw herself into a whirlwind of activity; her thoughts seemed to sort themselves out better when she was busy. After cleaning and laundering, she took a long walk in the hills, her mind full of questions. Why had Noel acted as if he was available if he was still married? He had come alone to Monica's party, and the woman had said his marriage was "on the rocks"; did this mean perhaps that he and his wife had separated? If he followed up on their meeting, she would ask him. Or should she see him at all? Did she want to run the risk of being rejected by him again?
Whatever happened, she realized, she'd be better prepared to deal with it now. It was only Donna who'd comtemplate suicide -- Farah had more to live for. She hadn't thought of it that way before, and the thought cheered her and cleared her mind. She would just leave everything to Fate.
Returning to the house, she showered away the day's activities and was thinking about foraging for something for dinner when Hack's car pulled in to the driveway. She went outside to greet him.
Unwinding his long frame from his small car, he said, "Hi, Farah. I saw your car and had to stop."
"It's good to see you, Hack. Come in."
His arm was around her shoulders as they walked to the house. Hack was now the rock on which she leaned. He understood her pain at Jason's death and her panic at being left alone again. Now he was saying, "I've called you several times but could never find you home. I hope that means you've been going out more."
"I've been going out a little," she said evasively. "Only last night I went to a party at Monica's."
"Good. Great broad, Monica. Have you had dinner?"
"Not yet."
"How about going with me to this great new Mexican place I've found? Or anywhere else you want to go."
Mexican food sounds fine. Just let me get a wrap."
After they had ordered, Hack announced, "I've got some good news and some bad news, Princess." He grinned his impish grin, his red hair tumbling over his forehead. "The good news is that the project in Zhad has finally shaped up and I'll be leaving soon." He couldn't coceal his elation. He was restless to get out in the field again; he was not cut out for indoor work like teaching.
"Oh, Hack, how wonderful. I'm so glad for you." She squeezed his hands as they rested on the table. "What's the bad news?"
"Well, kid, the bad news is that I won't be around for awhile to put spice in your life. I'll be gone at least a year ... longer if we turn up something worthwhile. Think you can live without me?"
She saw beneath his banter the deep concern he felt for her, and answered in kind. "It won't be easy, but I'll try. Feel free to go off and dig to your heart's content. I'll find something to console me."
"Or someone?" Sobering, he added, "You shouldn't be so alone. You need someone to look after you."
"You mustn't worry about me. If I ever get in a bind there's always Monica. Or Aunt Margaret and Uncle John. I could go live with them."
"That's good." He looked broodingly at her. "You do seem very grown-up and responsible for your age, and you're no stranger to being on your own." He glanced down at his hands, brown and strong, to conceal his emotion. "I couldn't stand it if anything happened to you, Princess. You know how much I care about you, don't you?"
She was touched by his concern. "When I count my blessings, I always start with you, Hack. You're the best friend I have in the world."
Back at the house Hack came in to "check things out." as he said. "You're not afraid here alone? I'd be happy to stay the night to protect you. I promise I'd never leave your side." he put on an exaggerated leer.
Farah burst out laughing. "I bet you wouldn't." She pushed him toward the door. "I'll be perfectly safe as soon as I get you out of the house."
"Spoil sport." He gave her a bear hug, cautioned her to lock the door after him, and went off whistling. She heard his car start and go roaring off up the hill. She was smiling as she got into bed. After her sleeplessness of the night before, she fell into a deep slumber.
Hack called Thursday night to say he was leaving Saturday morning. "Something has come up," he said, "and I have to leave on short notice."
"Will I see you before you go?"
"That's why I'm calling. How about lunch tomorrow?"
"Of course. What time, and where shall I meet you?"
He named a time and place.
She was waiting for him in the lobby when she saw Noel come from the dining room. He stopped when he saw her, then came forward with an uncertain smile on his face.
"Hello, Farah," he said. "Or should I call you Cinderella? Though you didn't leave even a glass slipper to help me find you."
"Hello, Noel." She tried not to look overjoyed at seeing him. "I apologize for running out on you the other night." She didn't offer any explanation.
"I thought I might have offended you in some way."
"It wasn't that."
"I need to talk to you. May I call you?"
She hesitated, then gave him her number. Seeing Hack come in, she said, "I'm meeting someone. I have to go."
"Who was your friend?" Hack asked when she joined him.
"I met him at Monica's party. Name's Noel McKay."
They were shown to their table and no further mention was made of Noel. When they were seated, Farah asked, "What time do you leave?"
"Nine o'clock tomorrow morning."
"Would you like me to take you to the airport?"
"Thank you, but it won't be necessary. Joe, one of my assistants, is going with me. His wife will drive us."
Conversation lagged between them as they ate, although Hack tried to be his usual irreverent self. Farah was still shaken from seeing Noel.
"Hey, Princess," said Hack at last, "is all this gloom because I'm going away?"
"I'm sorry, Hack. I'm just realizing how much I've come to depend on you. And I've had to say so many goodbyes."
For an instant his control broke. "Come with me, Farah," he urged. Then in his usual jocular manner he punched her barm. "You can be my water boy. Or I'll teach you how to dig all day with a trowel and a spoon under a hot sun. Some life for a princess, huh?"
"Sounds fascinating." She tried to keep her voice light, but tears gathered in her eyes. "I'm going to miss you. So keep the lines of communication open, okay?"
"Sure thing, Princess." He leaned forward and with one finger wiped awaay her tears. "What else can I do? It isn't every day I'm cried over by a beautiful princess." He fished money from his wallet to pay the tab, and rose. "Now let's get out of here before I'm blubbering, too."
He walked her to her car and kissed her goodbye. "Take care of yourself," he said, his voice husky, and turned and hurried away without looking back.