CHAPTER 12

    As the month of January drew to a close, Farah began to feel restless. Sometimes the strain of playing the part of a young girl became burdensome, and she knew again the terror she had felt when she saw herself for the first time after her transformation. I feel like a displaced person, she told herself one day. I'm displaced in time. I feel isolated.

    But there was no reason for her to feel alone any more, she had Jason. He had taken her into his life as Louise had taken in the other Farah, at a time when she, too, had been bereaved and desperate. And if she needed someone to talk with, he was no farther away than her telephone.

    Suiting the action to the thought, she dialed him. He didn't answer at once, and his voice when he came on the line sounded distracted.

    "What are you doing, Jason? You sound so preoccupied."

    "I'm working on something in the lab."

    "At this hour? I was about to turn in. It must be important to keep you working so late. Is it the report on your rejuvenation theory?"

    "Yes, I just got a new slant on something I noticed before. The significance of it didn't hit me at the time."

    A little wave of apprehension washed overr her. "I hope it's not something that's going to turn me back into Donna Harris overnight." She managed a laugh.

    "Don't worry, it's nothing like that." He hastened to reassure her. "It's something quite exciting, really."

    "That's a relief."

    "Oh, you can count on being Farah for a long time. Not that there was anything wrong with Donna Harris. I found her to be a very nice person. If she hadn't been, she couldn't have turned into such a lovely Farah."

    "I like Farah better."

    "Donna, Farah -- one couldn't exist without the other. They are both adorable."

    "You've made my day. Now wrap up whatever you're doing and go eat something. I know how you are when you're playing the mad scientist. You don't eat unless I'm there to remind you."

    "Don't be so bossy. Will I see you this weekend?"

    "Unless you have other plans. Like a date."

    "Dates can wait until I get this report finished. But I'm not too busy if you want to come out Saturday. I miss you."

    "I'll be there. I miss you, too."

    They said goodnight and Farah went to bed wondering what it was Jason had discovered that excited him so. Whatever it is, she thought, it can't be bad. He sounded so pleased.

    One day in early February, Farah was attending a lecture when she was summoned from the classroom -- someone wanted to see her in the office. When she walked into the roomm and found Hack waiting, her face went as pale as her blouse.

    "It's Jason, isn't it?" she cried. "Something's happened to him!"

    In one quick stride Hack had her in his arms. "There's been an explosion in his laboratory."

    Her eyes searched his face. "Is he badly hurt?"

    "He's gone, Farah. I don't know any other way to say it. I'm sorry."

    "Oh, no, no!" She sagged in his arms.

    "I'm sorry," he said again. She was crying now, and he held her while she wept.

    "Did he ... suffer?" she whispered when she had herself under control.

    "It happened too fast. Just one big bang, then everything went up in flames. I was coming up the road with one of my students and heard the explosion. We pulled him out before the fire got to him."

    Thank God you were there." She noticed that his left hand was bandaged. "You're hurt! Oh, Hack, you risked your life!"

    "It's nothing," he said. "Let me take you home."

    When they got outside she remembered her car. "I can't leave it here," she said.

    "If you feel up to driving I can follow you to your apartment and pick you up there."

    As they drove up the canyon road, Hack told her that they had been able to get into the house through an unlocked door and call an ambulance and the police.

    "The police said they would have to hold the body pending an examination of the premises. It's only a formality," Hack looked at her to see how she was taking these grim details. She seemed to be holding up.

    "Thank God for you, Hack. I don't know if I could have handled it."

    Monica was waiting for them in Jason's driveway. She ran to Farah and put her arms around her. "I heard it on the radio and came at once. Are you all right, Farah?" She looked at Hack over Farah's shoulder, her eyes full of tears. "You did a brave thing, Hack."

    He shrugged. "I'm glad you're here, Monica."

    "Do you want to go home with me for the night?" Monica asked Farah. "Or I could stay here if you wish. You shouldn't be alone."

    "I'd rather be here, if you don't mind. And I'd like for you to stay."

    As they went inside, Farah said she should notify Jason's sister Margaret.

    "Do you want one of us to call her?"

    "Thanks, but I think I should do it."

    Margaret said she would catch the next plane and that probably Sondra would come with her. She didn't think John should make the trip.

    "Just let us know what flight and someone will meet you," Farah told her. "I'm sorry Uncle John is ailing."

    The police came to sift through the ashes of the laboratory, and reported that since everything seemed in order, they would release the body for burial.

    The chapel where the funeral was held was large, but the mourners overflowed onto the terrace. Masses of flowers filled the room with a suffocating scent. The service and eulogies seemed endless to Farah, the graveside service was pure torture, but finally everything was over and Jason could be laid to rest.

    The finality of it stabbed Farah. She broke off a red rose from a spray covering the casket, kissed it, and laid it back. "Goodbye, Jason," she whispered. "I'm going to miss you terribly. Through science you gave me a new life and now science has taken yours. I fear it was a sorry trade." She was weeping as she turned away.

    At dinner Margaret broached the subject of Farah's future. "I know it's too early to be making plans," she said, "but Sondra and I have been wondering if you would consider coming to live with one of us. We'd love to have you. I want you to know we consider you a member of the family, and our homes and our hearts are always open to you."

    Farah leaned forward and kissed Margaret's soft cheek, her heart full of gratitude. "Why are you all so good to me, a stranger?"

    "But of course you're not a stranger. Your parents were dear friends of Louise's, Jason knew them well, and I first met you when you were a little girl."

    "I appreciate the invitation," Farah said, "but I'm enrolled in college here. I'll see how things go. If it gets too lonely, I'll consider your offer."

    In the morning, Hilary called with a suggestion he come out that afternoon to read Jason's will.

    "His will?" echoed Farah, who hadn't given a thought to any will. "Of course this afternoon will be fine. Aunt Margaret and Sondra are still here, and I think they should be present."

    To her astonishment, after a few bequests to his family, some sizeable bequests to the University and to several charities, the bulk of Jason's estate had been left to Farah.

    "Jason's business manager will explain to you what is entailed," Hilary told her. "I suggest you retain him. He's a good man, and Jason had full confidence in him."

    "Do you think I'll need a business manager?"

    "Oh, yes. Jason's estate is considerable."

    "This is so overwhelming." Farah was clearly dismayed. "I had no idea.... When did Jason do all this?"

    "Soon after the adoption. He was never one to leave things to chance."

    Farah looked at Margaret, wondering if she and her family would resent Jason's leaving his money to her. But Margaret was smiling and looking pleased.

    "How fortunate he didn't put it off," she said. "It's a comfort to know you'll be well taken care of."

    "I don't feel entitled to his money," protested Farah. "It should go to you and your family."

    "Don't be ridiculous, Farah. You're Jason's legal daughter. It's only right it should go to you. Our children are already well provided for."

    Hilary stood up to leave. "When you're ready for a briefing let me know and I'll set up a meeting."

    Margaret and Sondra left on Saturday, expressing anxiety at leaving Farah alone and with assurances that she could come to them at any time. Hack drove them to the airport, and he and Farah watched the plane take off.

    "Do you want to go back to the house or to your apartment?" he asked.

    "I think I'll stay at the house tonight and say goodbye to Jason."

    "Will you be okay, Farah?"

    "Yes, of course. I'll miss Jason terribly, but I've been through this before."

    Hack looked stricken. "I didn't think.... You poor kid, you've had some really tough luck...." He broke off, thinking about all the people who were dear to her who had been taken from her.

    "Sometimes I feel I bring bad luck to people," FArah said.

    "Don't go thinking stuff like that, Farah. You can't believe any of this was your fault."

    "I don't really. It's just that ... a person wonders sometimes, you know."

    "Well, put it out of your mind." He patted her awkwardly, looking worried.

    "I'll be okay." She looked at his attractive face and his shock of red hair. His lean body was encased in a  warm jacket to ward off the Febuary chill.

    He grinned at her boyishly. "Can I stay with you until bedtime? I'll spring for dinner if you'll rustle up a sandwich or something for lunch."

    "Of course. There are lots of leftovers."

    She had never been alone with Hack before. He had been around all through her association with Jason and she liked his intelligence, his good humor and his wit, but she had never really talked with him about anything personal. He was Jason's friend, and most of his conversation had been directed at him. With Jasongone, it didn't take her long to suspect that Hack's interest in her went beyond mere friendship. He was pretty successful at hiding it, but it was there, behind the kidding and the small talk.

    As the day wore on they moved to more serious subjects, so that by dinnertime their friendship had progressed to the point where over coffee he could say to her casually, "I wish I was a little younger, Farah, because I really dig you. I imagine you have that effect on all men. How come you haven't got a steady boyfriend?"

    She toyed with the silverware, not looking at him. "I'm not used to American boys." He can think what he wants to about that remark, it's true, she thought.

    "I keep forgetting you've spent most of your life abroad. I suppose it's a hard adjustment to make."

    "In many ways, yes." If only he knew what kind of adjustments she was having to make!

    "If you ever need someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on, I'm your man."

    "I'm counting on it," she said.

    "Just say the word, Princess." At the look of surprise on her face, he added, "I call all goodlooking girls Princess, but you're the first one I've known who really deserves the name."

    "I like it, even if I do have to share it with all your other women."

    "From now on you'll  be my only Princess," he said and kissed her hand. This made her giggle, and their conversation shifted to lighter things.

    After dinner he took her home and went through the house to make sure it was safe. Then, saying if she needed anything in the night to call him, took his leave.

    She didn't go to bed immediately. She drifted sadly through the house, went in Jason's room and touched things on his dresser, inspected his closets, wondering what to do with his clothes, examined his books in the den, sat in front of the fireplace remembering their talks, and tried not to feel panic because he was gone.

    They had become such good friends, and she had come to depend on his kindness and affection. He knew her both as Donna and as Farah, and with him she never had to pretend. His death had knocked the props out from under her, leaving her alone in a way she had never been alone before, with no ties to her real past, not a soul in the world who knew she was Donna Harris. If she were to tell someone, who would believe her? She didn't even have fingerprints to prove her identity. She was committed to being Farah, and she liked the role, but she didn't fit well into the skin of that young girl.

    As she thought this her memory stirred. She went to her bedroom, dug out Farah's diaries and leafed through the pages in search of something. Here it was, and she was right -- today was Farah's birthday and she was now nineteen.

    The idea of getting a new birth date struck her as so comical she chuckled about it all the time she was preparing for bed. Before she turned out the light she looked in a mirror and said, "Happy Birthday, Farah."

Next Chapter